Hello there. I’ve just been watching some telly again, ( unlike me, I know ), and I think I’ve had yet another brilliant idea. I know. As a professional copywriter I’m full of ‘em. This one though is a sure fire, on the nail, take that to the bank, put that in your pipe and smoke it, winner. The plan is this. I’m going to recruit some people off the telly and set them to work as a kind of Advertising Atrocity Flying Squad, ( see how I used those big letters there? They’re called capitals and they make things real ), to tackle problematic ads right in the Ad Agencies where they take hideous, deformed shape. Killing them stone dead before they hit our TV screens, newspapers, mags, radios and poster sites. They’ll be like King Kong in the original film. You know the bit where he fights all those dinosaurs and pterodactyls and things and then kills a great big huge massive tyrannosaurus rex by snapping it’s jaw right in half? Like that.
It’s so simple really when you give it a bit of thought. First up, I’m going to get that Alex Polizzi off of The Hotel Inspector. Have you seen her? She takes no shit from no-one our Alex. At the first sniff of self-indulgent, gold pencil chasing, obscure reference referencing ads being planned, we send Alex straight in. The undertaker’s black, fully alloyed-up, Audi will squeal to a halt at the Agency’s HQ. Alex, immaculately attired and stilletoed to the max, sweeps into reception. ” Ah yes, I think I can see what you’re trying to achieve with this mannequin with a Magimix cocktail pulveriser/bread-maker/ice-cream churn/beet mash whisk where it’s head should be. But do you really think that it’s sending out the right message? I know when I’m throwing a squillion pounds at an ad campaign, what I’d like to see is clean towels and a really good English breakfast. What’s more, while those asymmetric haircuts look smashing in reception and, indeed, throughout The Creative Department, who’s paying for them? Yes, me. The guest/client. And while I’m sure they have their place at a midnight showing of ‘Trash Humpers’ at the Camden Media Boutique and Hummus Bar, do I really want to place my advertising budget in the hands of a person who’d spend £130 in a Shoreditch salon having that done to their own head? And another thing, someone’s going to fall over that skateboard and really hurt themselves.
As the Agency in question reels at the questioning of their reception area and thus it’s entire creative rationale, so begins phase two. This consists of my ” Explain your f****ing selves” panel. This will be a group of business professionals, hand-picked by myself, to undertake a deep and thorough analysis of the creative work to date. At present, I’ve picked a couple off of “Dragons’ Den” to be going on with. Centre Forward will be Duncan Bannatyne. Now I’ve been watching him closely and I see him to be a man of vision, integrity and unrivalled business acumen. What’s more, I reckon he’s hard as nails, and if some Creative Director or Account Exec started shouting the odds, he’d just rip their throat right out. With his teeth. Probably. The other great thing about Duncan is he doesn’t tend to let people get past the first couple of words of any kind of explanation. So there’d be no big, long reasoning to sit through. Just “Let me tell you where I am. I’ve got 88 squillion, trillion pounds. I not only survived but started the ‘Ice Cream Wars’ personally killing many, many men, women and children. I’ve got gyms and houses and breweries and cars and women and everything and you’re crap. Your idea’s crap, your agency’s crap, this desk is crap, your shirt is crap, your hair is crap, that’s a crap watch and I’M OUT.” End of. No squirming. No amends. Just over.
I also want to get that Deborah Meaden in. I haven’t really got a clue what she does or how come she’s a dragon but i do know that she gives me the right creeps. Just sitting there like a really, really pissed off frog or something. Watching, waiting, slowly blinking and imagining what you’d taste like on a bed of fruit flies. Whatever her purpose, I think that if someone was trying to pitch an idea and she was in the corner, saying nothing, quietly observing, they’d just burst into tears and leg it. Well I would.
I haven’t really thought what Peter ( not only am I HUGE, I wear quirky socks ) Jones or Theo ( let me tell you about Mrs P ) Paphitis would contribute but they could sit in a corner talking about cars and helicopters and private jets and watches and stuff while the Account execs alternately salivate and weep at their majesty and power. That’s probably contribution enough, thinking about it.
I’m absolutely convinced it’ll work. Just send in The Advertising Atrocity Flying Squad and watch those half-arsed, irritating, concepts put to death at the moment of inception. Or better still, call for the AAFS midway through a campaign’s run and launch a surprise “Explain your f***ing selves” meeting. By this point, any semblance of a coherent campaign will have been lost amidst a succession of Facebook inspired ‘virals’ and ‘consumer involvement’ exercises.Throw the team responsible in with the Dragons and watch them squirm on Duncan’s spiny rage while Deborah licks her eyelids in anticipation.
And don’t worry. Pete and Theo will drive us all to a lovely hotel afterwards.
A new glossary of Twitter terms…
1.Twourettes: An inexplicable compulsion to tweet ones every single bloody thought, every bloody minute of every bloody day
2. Twinge: To complain pointlessly and endlessly via Twitter
3. Twinkle: Tweet regarding cockernee seafood snack
4. Twerp: Effect of many Twinkles
5. Twitch: Tweet regarding sorceress
6. Tw@: Highly irritating, self important Twitterer
7. Twaddle: Tweet from perambulatory duck
8. Tweedle: To gain information via manipulation of unwitting Twitterer
9. Twig: Tweet regarding full hairpiece
10. Twiglet: Tweet regarding very small hairpiece
11. Twang: Tweet regarding male member
12. Tweed: Weak, ineffectual Twitterer
13. Tweezer: Twitter equivalent of telephonic heavy breather
Hello there. Exciting news in the ‘Campaign Daily Bulletin’ this morning. It seems that the latest development in BT’s series of Ads featuring the inexplicably popular couple ’Adam and Jane’, is that Jane is to become pregnant. Yes, it’s true. And what’s more, it’s all down to the great British public. It seems that when, in an earlier ad, it looked like the pair may split up due to Adam’s change of job and consequent move to an impossibly stylish seaside apartment, hordes of Ad fans and idiots formed groups on Facebook demanding a future for their favourite ill advised haircut and vapid beauty.
Never a company to shy away from the mentally infirm, BT asked all those people to vote on what should come next for the telecom twosome and the overwhelming response, ( apart from a weird alien subplot, possibly thought up by some lonely thirtysomething in a bedsit in Stoke ), was ” Get Jane up the duff”. And so it has come to pass.
However, in a shock move, rival telecommunications company T-mobile have claimed that the baby can’t possibly be Adam’s and was in fact conceived during one of their ’5 for a fiver at Blockbuster’ parties hosted by that fat sweaty bloke who dresses up as a robot to entice his, frankly less than attractive, friends over to the squalid flat on the outskirts of town that he calls home. Or ‘My pad’.
A T-mobile spokesman said yesterday, “Yes, it’s true that Jane off of the BT adverts did indeed attend a party at Fat Doug’s place last Tuesday. There, whilst off her face on a mixture of Lambrini, Blue WKD and Benylin, she did the nasty under some coats with Fat Doug’s mate Stumpy Colin and we are convinced that her current condition is the result of that union. What’s more, due to his T-mobile connection, Colin did it for twenty quid and with a ten times quicker connection speed than that lanky BT poof Adam could ever manage. Naturally we invite BT to approach us through the medium of The Jeremy Kyle show or similar scientific institution where the matter can be resolved via DNA tests, lie detectors and some spirited shouting from Stumpy Colin’s ex, Ms. Mercedes Dunstapp.”
Kris Marshall was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press. Thank Christ.
Hello there. Sorry if you’ve visited the blog in the past few days, only to see the same sorry post just staring vacantly back at you with nothing new to say, nothing exciting to show you. I’ve been a bit busy that’s all. You see, last week I kind of volunteered my services, via linkedin, to do a load of copywriting stuff for a cancer awareness charity in India and it’s become incredibly time-consuming. Yep, that’s the kinda guy I am. Charitable. Then I went to meet a potential client in some big swish offices with the aim of writing a new website for them. However, I had to sign one of those Non Disclosure things so I can’t tell you anything at all about it. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.
So, what can I share with you today to make up for my regrettable absence? Not a lot, advertising -wise I’m afraid. I will show you this film trailer I saw the other day though because I think it looks brilliant.
Top that isn’t it? If you’ve ever seen any of those ’70s ‘Blaxploitation’ pics you’ll know that it’s absolutely note perfect. Plus, any film that’s produced in ‘Cinemaphonic Quadravision’ has got to be worth seeing, hasn’t it? I got that from a site called Ultraculture. In my opinion it’s about the best of the crop of movie blogs that have sprung up all over the net of late so have a look. If you like films and smartarse writing, you’ll love it.
Oh, hang on. You know I said I hadn’t really got much to share advertising-wise? Well there is one ad that’s been getting right on my tits lately. It’s the most recent Cornetto one and it really should be in one of those posts I’ve been calling
The Ad Critic: In depth analysis and deconstruction of 21st Century Advertising.
Just have a look at this rascal.
Now isn’t that just unspeakably awful? I just can’t see the reasoning or thought behind any of it. What on earth is the point of those bleeding ventriloqists’ dummies? I mean, yes, it’s supposed to be the inner thoughts and stuff of our frisky, yet socially inept, young couple being expressed by a third party but why such ugly, characterless dummies? They’re just scary aren’t they? Like something out of that Anthony Hopkins movie, ‘Magic’. And what in the name of God is a ‘lean-in’? Is that some well-known phrase or saying that today’s yoof bandy about yet I’ve somehow missed? The ‘You’ve got hair’ bit is unbelievably weak too. It just sounds as if the writer involved has become bored senseless by the whole thing or has been railroaded into an idea that he/she hates and has just thrown down some words to fit the running time before sodding off to the pub and getting mortal. Or is that just me?
Whatever the case, it’s shit.
Another televisual annoyance that’s been troubling me lately are those little ‘ident’ style mini-ads that they’ve started top and tailing ad breaks with of late. You know the ones, 118 118 do it, as do practically all of the gazillion Bingo websites that now proliferate all over the place like a particularly virulent, ( and usually vivid pink ), disease.
Anyway, I was watching ‘American History X’ the other night and, if you’ve ever seen it, you’ll know that it gets pretty deep, thought provoking and even bleak at times. So really, the last thing you want as one of the heavy, black and white, prison scenes fades to an ad break is, DIDDLE EE DEE DEE DEE! DIDDLE IDDLE EEE DEE! DIDDLE EEE DEE DEE DEE! ONE ONE EIGHT!!! to the tune of Ray Parker Junior’s unforgettable ‘Ghostbusters theme’. It just ruins the moment a bit, that’s all I’m saying.
Anyway people, that’s just about all I’ve got for you today. Time and Indian cancer awareness campaigns wait for no man and I have much to do.
Oh, and although I haven’t written the new website yet, there is something you could visit at:-http://www.highwaysbeyondcancer.org/
So how about you have a look? Maybe you could send some money or offer a little help too.
That’d be lovely.
Hello there. I’m not having a good day today. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I’m having a crap day. Because today is one of those days that, no matter how much you try to avoid it by doing really essential things like rearranging your DVDs, CDs, Vinyl collection, Bookshelves, Magazines and pencils into orders like Alphabetical, Genre, Author, Date, Thickness, Weight, Colour, Age, Shape and Relative hardness, just comes on round like a big relentless relentless thing.
Yes, today I’ve got to sort stuff out. And not interesting stuff like DVDs, CDs, Vinyl, Books, Magazines and Pencils. Stuff like invoices, tax related stuff and general bill type stuff. You know, all that stuffy stuff that just really, really stuffs up your day. So, in yet another attempt to avoid that stuff here I am with a “10 things I’d rather be doing” list.
I should also point out however that I haven’t just hit upon the idea of doing a “10 things” list by chance. I’ve been doing some research and, apparently, putting a number into the heading of a post makes more people want to click on said post and read it. Really. I’m not making it up. I read it on one of those blogs that talks about how to build up the ‘hits’ on your site and apparently numbers are a biggy. People just can’t get enough numbers, they’re mad for ‘em. Plus, my friend John Goddard, another copywriter, does lots of “10 things” lists on his blog and I’ve always rather enjoyed them.
So, here goes. 10 things I’d rather be doing than the stuff I’m doing today ( Other than what I’m doing right this instant of course. Because right at this instant, I’m writing this. And I quite like writing this. Ok? Good. Glad we sorted that out. )
1. Slamming my hand in the sliding door of a 1972 Volkswagen Danbury Camper Van ( And that kills. Honestly. Never do that because it really, really kills )
Actually. Hang on a minute. I’ve just realised that, to make a point, I’m entering into a list of really unpleasant things I’d rather do than invoicing, tax stuff and bills etc. There are loads and loads of nice things I’d rather be doing, obviously, but for now let’s stick with unpleasant things for comedic effect. I might do some nice things afterwards. Let’s see how we both feel. So,
2. Going spraying that Wasps’ Nest Destroyer stuff I got the other day into the wasps’ nest that’s developed in the eaves of my roof. ( And, as you can imagine, I’m a bit nervy about doing that. I got stung by a wasp a bit back and I was sick and everything. )
3. Watching ‘Mama Mia the Musical’, ‘Sex and The City’ or anything that Guy Ritchie has ever done. Even ‘Swept Away’.
4. Attending any kind of School Reunion.
5. Going to a dinner party where the host has been on a trip to Goa or has achieved any form of Spritual Enlightenment.
6. Visiting Wynsor’s World of shoes. Or watching that ad where Melanie Sykes thinks ‘shoes’.
7. Working in that Bakery on the Greggs ad where everyone sings and dances while pumping the grey sludge into ‘meat and potato’ pasties.
8. Attending a Seminar of any description.
9. Having a wart removed.
10. Writing a list of 10 things I’d rather be doing.
So, there you have it. 10 things I’d rather be doing than what I’m doing right now. ( Excluding what I’m doing at this exact instant. We’ve been through that already so just leave it. OK? )
And I’ve given some thought to writing a list of 10 nice things I’d rather be doing but I think all those things would be pretty obvious wouldn’t they?
In fact, how about you come up with 10 nice things you’d rather be doing than whatever you’re doing at the moment? Try to exclude what you’re doing at this exact moment though because you’re reading this at this exact moment and I’d probably be hurt if you came up with ‘sticking needles in my eyes’ or something like that. I’m quite easily hurt you know.
So go mad, let your mind run riot and write your own list. You could even send it to me by clicking the bit where it says ‘comments’ at the top of this post. Maybe there’ll even be a big prize for the list that I consider to contain the 10 absolutely bestest things you’d rather be doing.
I wouldn’t bet on it though.
That’s f***ing awful, isn’t it?