July 1st, 2010 // 2:26 pm @ // No Comments yet

Hello there. Over the past week I’ve been thinking of treating myself to a new ‘phone. The one I’ve got is ok really but I’ve had it a while now and there are a couple of niggles with it. The main one being that there’s a great big crack right across the ‘O’ on the keypad and when you press it, which you often have to do unless you only call people already in the phone book or those without a ‘O’ in their number, it kind of half falls out and I have to catch it and sort of wiggle it back in. I’ve been managing ok but did you know that there are hardly any people out there without an ‘O’ in their number? And those who haven’t are getting frankly sick of me calling them and asking them to pass on messages to people who have got an ‘O’ in their number.

So obviously, as a high flying Manchester copywriter about town, I need a new one. Naturally the first one that springs to mind is the iPhone. I mean, there’s a brand spanking new one out that’s all thin and glossy and cool and it seems that all the hep cats, groovers, scenesters and designy type people snap them up like interesting shoes and dinky shoulder bags. There seems to be a problem with it though. I was doing a bit of reading up and apparently there’s an issue with it getting any reception at all if you hold it. In your hand. When you’re making a phone call.

Now I know I’m like super picky but that seems a fairly fundamental flaw in a phone. Sure it looks all slim and glossy and sexy and cool, the graphics are great and there are about 38 gazillion apps you can download to do all kinds of crazy stuff but just don’t expect to be doing any phoning with your phone.  You can play ‘psycho murder deathsquad racecar alien prostitute holocaust 7’ while enjoying a Latte in Starbucks. You can check your hair in its rear facing camera and get an update that tells you if your hair’s dropped out of fashion in the last 12 seconds ( probably ). You can do all kinds of fun stuff with your photos, you can surf the net, you can read a book, watch a movie, book a flight to Cannes, probably find yourself a partner of any sexual persuasion and look really slick while doing it. You just can’t rely on actually making a phone call to anyone at any given point. Or getting one.

I would imagine though that actually using the thing for something as basic as making and receiving phone calls came pretty low down on the list of iPhone priorities. ” You’re doing what with it? You’re making a freaking phone call? You’ve got that beautiful piece of glossy, slimline design and technology in your fat sweaty hand? Up against your fat sweaty face? And it’s not even in a 250 buck designer case? Jesus H Christ you moron. Put it on a glass desk and look at it. Haven’t you got 15 bucks to buy a goddam cellphone to call your fat sweaty friends with?”.

Apparently the highly portable iPad has a few ‘teething troubles’ too. Like the fact that if you take advantage of its highly portablenessability the chances are it won’t work. Its revolutionary built-in antenna being built-in to a point so deep within its designer loveliness that it can’t actually pick up any signals if there’s a grain of sugar between it and another antenna. ” You’re doing what with it? You’ve taken it freaking outside? And you want to use it for stuff? Put it inside a glass case on your glass desk, next your iPhone and look at it you freaking moron.”

It’s not all doom and gloom though. Apple have set up a website where you can now see lessons on how to hold your iPhone, ( very delicately it seems ), in order to make a call and how to position your iPad to stand a fighting chance of showing off with it in public. All done by a hugely attractive American person in a black turtleneck sweater. Probably.

For now, I reckon I’m going to stick with my slightly broken nokia and my laptop. But then I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy.

The kinda guy that can make phone calls. With his phone. In his hand.

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