Warm leatherette.

Warm leatherette.

July 30th, 2010 // 12:23 pm @ // No Comments yet

Hello there. Guess what? Yes, that’s right. Today, as a Manchester copywriter, I find myself deeply troubled by a commercial on the telly. This time it’s the latest CSL sofa spot. I know, I know, why pick on one sofa company when sofa ads, as an entity, appear to be universally godawful? It’s simple really. Where most of the sofa barns focus solely on the latest in a seemingly endless cycle of sales, with unbeatable, unrepeatable, never to be seen again till next week easy credit offers, CSL has gone all ‘slice of life, passage of time, reality tv’ on us. In this mini docu-drama we follow Mr. and Mrs. Unbearable and young Master Unbearable from the early joys  and high hopes of sofa ownership to the cruel realities and shattered dreams of long-term soft furnishing commitment.

Here, have look.

Heart breaking isn’t it? Well, no actually. Maybe it would be if all the people involved weren’t so utterly repellent. Mr. and Mrs. Unbearable just look like the kind of people you  couldn’t spend more than 10 minutes with without wanting to punch one, or both, squarely in the face. He looks like one of those gits who got into beet mash futures at exactly the right moment, where she just looks like one of those girls you used to see at school discos who would, inevitably, go on to marry a man who got into beet mash futures at exactly the right moment. The child, sadly, will consequently never have any real friends and will doubtlessly descend into a spiral of drug dependency and self-harm. The divorce certainly won’t help.

What the ad fails to point out though, is that the root of all of The Unbearables’ problems and fundamental cause of the breakdown of their seemingly happy family unit was the purchase of a white leatherette sofa from CSL. Surely someone could have seen it coming? Isn’t there anyone at CSL who could have pulled them aside at point of purchase to quietly explain the folly of purchasing a white leatherette sofa at what is,after all, a very delicate stage in their realationship? Oh sure, in the first flush of young romance we’ve all dreamt of a future swathed in white leatherette. We’ve pictured ourselves sipping perfectly chilled dry martinis, exchanging our dreams and laughing gaily at ‘Animals do the funniest things’ showing on our 50″ plasma screen while the pebble effect living flame gas fire flickers in its chrome framed loveliness. But what happens when that first child comes along? Have you tried keeping white leatherette spotless while changing the nappy of your first-born or spoonfeeding mashed rusk? Well if you have, you’ll know exactly where I’m coming from.

And it’s not just the kid. Imagine the scene, Mr.Unbearable has just returned from a demanding round of golf and networking. He grabs a bottle of room temperature Twuttleton’s Old Vernacular, flips off the cap and reclines on the CSL luxury seating unit to ponder the day’s events. In a flash, Mrs.U bursts in, ordering him to get his disgusting golfwear off the leatherette, just watch where he’s dribbling with that beer and why can’t he use a glass for god’s sake. He responds with bitter recriminations about the obvious Max Factor blemishes all over the cushions and shimmering cleavage enhancer smeared across the armrests since her bloody sister and all her bloody friends came over to watch bloody Mama Mia that Tuesday night when he was in Geneva on ‘beet mash business’.

And from there, it’s all downhill. Master U has got biro down the deep buttoning, that Tandoori Prawn Masala will never come out and Mr. U’s caused a burn with a Hamlet slim panatella. Again. Divorce is the only answer. He’s off with the new bird, ( who he met while in Geneva on ‘beet mash business’ ), she gets custody of the sofa and Master U’s bitter fate is sealed.

All I’m waiting for now is the next ad in the series.

The one where Mrs.U turns up at the new bird’s house and goes crazy apeshit mental with an assault rifle.  Those stains will never, ever shampoo away.

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